Oh the Horror!!!

Hello again everyone! I'm back with a brand new blog! Stop crying! I promise it's not that bad this time. I think you might even chuckle a little this time.

Anyway, as a huge movie buff, let me tell you that I am not a fan of most horror movies. First of all, I don't find most of them to be all that frightening. If I want to watch something scary, I'll watch one of Larry the Cable Guy's films. If "Delta Farce" doesn't scare the piss out of you, nothing will. Second of all, I find the main characters of most horror movies to be incredibly boring. Sure, there are a few exceptions, but for the most part these unstoppable antagonists are just not interesting and only seem to kill because...well...that's what horror villains do. Some of these horror franchises have tried to tell the "origin" of these famous monsters through various prequels and/or reboots, but none of these origin stories have really sold me. Rob Zombie's "Halloween" was alright, but not great. I have heard (but haven't seen for myself) that the remakes of "Friday the 13th" and "A Nightmare on Elm Street" were far worse than Rob Zombie's "Halloween", which is not something to be proud of.

This has led me to wonder, could I write a worthy origin story to one of these horror franchises? I don't like to be one of those kinds of people who criticize other people's work without creating something special myself. Which franchise should I pick to work on? If you couldn't tell by the photo, I am going to go with the "Friday the 13th" franchise. I hope you enjoy the Jeffrey Stansberry version of the origin of Jason Voorhees! Here is the synopsis:

"Jason Voorhees was the typical seven foot tall, mute, and deformed six year old living the all American dream with his mother, Pamela Voorhees. Pamela Voorhees was the typical cook, psycho, killer, and single mother also living the American dream. Fate changed their lives forever when Pamela Voorhees accepted her dream job of becoming a cook earning minimum wage at Camp Crystal Lake. Naturally, Jason Voorhees was thrilled at the prospect of playing ice hockey with the other seven foot tall, mute, and deformed kids at Camp Crystal Lake. Unfortunately for poor little seven foot tall Jason, all the other children at Camp Crystal Lake were tiny and too delicate to play ice hockey with him (some of the other six year old children were barely over six feet tall). With his mother busy preparing her world famous lard Hot Pockets for the lucky campers and no other seven foot tall children around to play with, Jason Voorhees decided to forget about his hobby of hockey and focus on his dreams of ice tap dancing, a new spin on ice skating. On a cold and stormy night, Jason Voorhees decided to sneak out of his cabin and practice ice tap dancing on Crystal Lake. Tragically, due to his height, weight and the fact that the lake was not even frozen because it was summer, Jason Voorhees drowned to death. Pamela Voorhees blamed herself for Jason's drowning and wondered to herself if her son might still be alive if he had only worn his hockey mask. With that thought alone, Pamela Voorhees made it clear to the world that she wasn't Albert Einstein, or even Forrest Gump for that matter. Still, her love for her son and her lust for human blood drove her mad. Pamela Voorhees attacked and tried to murder everyone she felt was connected to her son's death, starting with Kevin Bacon, because as we all know, Kevin Bacon is connected to everyone in Hollywood through six degrees or less. Plus, Kevin Bacon was a camp counselor, and Pamela Voorhees didn't often see eye to eye with any form of counselor. She did see knife to back with them many times though. After killing, um, let's say seven camp counselors (because seven is a lucky number), Pamela's bloody rampage was finally ended by camp counselor Alice I. Wonderland. Alice decapitated Pamela, mainly to tell a lame joke. "You keep killing all of my friends and head's will roll b*tch!" was the joke told by Alice. Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, Jason Voorhees had been resurrected by the magical powers of the lake. As it turns out, Crystal Lake got it's name due to the fact that it was 84% Crystal Pepsi. (Crystal Pepsi tasted so bad, it could literally wake the dead). Waking up at the bottom of the ocean, Jason Voorhees met the mysterious Lady of the Water from the King Arthur stories. The Lady of the Water knighted Jason Voorhees and handed him the magical Excalibur, which for some reason looked exactly like a machete. Sir Jason Voorhees quickly killed the Lady of the Water with Excalibur and headed back to the camp. Before coming ashore, he met a Lady in the Water who looked surprisingly like Bryce Dallas Howard. Jason Voorhees quickly got her autograph and flirted with her a bit before Bryce Dallas Mermaid gave him her digits. After Jason got her phone number, he quickly killed her (what did you expect?) and was extremely happy not only for killing her, but because the autograph in his hand was now worth a lot more on E-Bay. Long story short, Jason Voorhees came back to shore and quickly killed Alice right after seeing her naked. After that, Jason Voorhees collapsed on the ground and started crying. He quietly reflected on his relationship with women and decided to change his life for the better. Jason called his mom up to see how she was doing. As it turns out, Pamela Voorhees' head was enjoying the warm weather of Hell, Michigan and the two made plans to meet in order to reconnect. The film ends with The Beatles' "Let It Be" playing softly in the background as Jason Voorhees watches a cute little kitten clean herself with her paws. The end."

So, yeah, that was my prequel/remake idea. I think it is incredible. I think the ending will leave the audience in tears. Anyway, now that I have shared this masterpiece of an idea, I better head off to bed. have a good night everyone and take care!

April Fools' Day and 3D

Hello again world! I know you must have missed me. Anyway, I am back and better than ever. Sort of a Jeffrey version 2.0 if you will.

Today is April 1st 2010, or April's Fools' Day. Let me start by saying that I HATE this holiday. I don't see the purpose of a day dedicated solely to lying and it's getting to the point that even news sites want to have fake "April Fools' Day" stories. I like to read news online because it is easier and cheaper, but I always avoid news websites on April 1st each year because I don't want to read fake news articles. If I wanted to be fed news that was completely made up, I'd just flip on Fox News. Seriously folks, what is the point is this holiday? Don't people lie and joke around enough without an entire day dedicated to it! The worst part is that most of the "April Fools' Day" articles/jokes aren't even funny! Most of them are just horrible, and I know about bad jokes, that's right, I actually saw "Delta Farce" in theaters. What holiday is going to be next? National Pick Your Nose Day? (Note: I may be on to something there). I was taught as a child NOT to fib or bend the truth. Thank the Lord we have a holiday that teaches kids that it's cool if you lie to everyone, just as long as it's once a year on April 1st.

Moving along, "Clash of the Titans" opens this week in theaters and I really want to see it. Sam Worthington, Ralph Fiennes, and Liam Neeson all look great in this movie and the original had a decent story but left something to be desired due to special effects and the film's pacing. This remake doesn't seem to have that problem thankfully. The film is going to be released in 2D and 3D and I am not sure which format I will be seeing it in (although I am very much leaning towards watching the 2D version for cost reasons). I also don't love the idea that almost every movie coming out in the next few years is going to be in 3D. Sure, I enjoyed "Avatar" and I do think the fact that it was in 3D helped make the film slightly more enjoyable, but it was a good movie regardless if it was 2D or 3D and not every movie will benefit from 3D technology. I hardly see why "Yogi Bear" or "The Smurfs" need to be in 3D. Do I need to sense that Yogi is stealing MY picnic basket? I don't know about you, but that would annoy me. I don't need some computer animated, sarcastic bear stealing MY food. My ancestors didn't fight in the American Revolution for that! Also, "The Smurfs" in 3D would just seem like a kids friendly sequel to "Avatar". It's bad enough that because of digital technology, such as Blu-ray players, I can now see people's warts and moles in digital clarity, I don't need these same warts and moles attacking because of 3D technology! Plus, thanks to 3D technology, there is a good chance we may get to see Larry the Cable Guy's butt coming at us! That's a scary thought ladies and gentlemen.

Seriously, a few films in 3D are okay. I can see "Green Lantern", "Star Trek 2.0", and "Superman Returns Yet Again" all being fun films to see in 3D. I'm sure there are guys that would love to see "Baywatch" in 3D as well. (Note: Seeing at how pointless that show was, 3D might be the best route for the big screen adaption). I don't think "Being Marlon Brando's Stomach" or "Poop Goes the Weasel" (a big hit with 3 year olds) needs the 3D treatment. (Note: I made up those last two movies but I would be more than willing to write a script for either movie if any studio is interested). In all seriousness, I really hope Hollywood stops with the 3D movie trend. Not every movie is "Avatar" or "Alice in Wonderland" and I really don't want to have to start paying more to see a movie especially if I'm not even sure it's going to be good!

Well, enough of me for today. I hope you enjoyed and hopefully laughed a little bit at this blog. Take care everyone and be safe! :)